My Opening

Felicitations to you all!

You can call me Sexual Geoff, although this is not the name my parents chose for me. Can you imagine what my school life would have been like if they had? I had thought about using a fabricated pseudonym in order to tell you all my private thoughts and doings without fear of recognition or reprisals or letterbombs, things like that but then I thought 'Why should I?' The name Geoff gives myself an exotic edge.

Well, here I am. I have finally been persuaded to enter the world of blogging.

I can tell you I cannot help but feel a bit shameful about this whole blog thing as I always find it a bit embarrassing to wash my dirty pants in front of everybody - which I actually had to do once when I was 15 years old and had inadvertantly shit my pants during PE lesson.

But a couple of weeks ago a very close friend (that doesn't mean my friend is sitting next to me) gave me the advice that I should create this blog in order to air all my thoughts and troubles connected to my attempts at writing and my night time employment (and also some Thursday afternoons) which, to put it nicely, involves initially taking my customers out to dinner, but more often than not, leads to antics of a sexual nature for money. Well, it supplements the writing career. Although I only netted around £11,000 last year from gigoloing.

Basically, I am a prostitute. Who's also a writer. Okay, they are one and the same thing.

Now for the more naive among you, this doesn't mean I take to wear high heels, a micro skirt and a basque while I prowl the streets after dark. Although I do know some writers that do.

Granted, there are times when I have been asked to wear this particular attire during the course of my work, and very comfy it all was too, but that's a story for another post.

No, I am a male prostitute. And within this blog, I hope to enlighten you further with tales of my tail.

But first, a warning. Although here I do talk occasionally about sex, sexiness, sexuality and the sexual act, this is not a sexual blog, so any preverts out there can collect your raincoats now. I am no Barbara Cartland. I couldn't write a juice inducing horny paragraph if I tried. And even if I could, I would probably find it hard to type with just one hand.

Anyway, my blog is intended to arouse nothing except your funny bone. I will leave the titillationing to better skilled and more sophisticated purveyors of perversion. A bit like that woman who writes a blog about constantly masturbating in Tescos or at the bus stop or something (and got a book deal out of it, too! Jolly well done to her, though despite going a bit off the boil of late) And many others are absolutely disgraceful and should not have a place on the internet. I had to visit them several times because I wanted to see if they kept disgusting me. And they did.

So if you suddenly find yourself sexually thrilled by my adventures, well, that's really your problem. Have a cup of tea instead, you big old prevert.

As a lothario, I am paid to entertain women of many varieties. Fat ones, thin ones. I even made a Chinese lady orgasm. Twice. I make it sound like I am standing up in the middle of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting admitting for the first time that I drink like Richard Burton. I don't drink like the great man, but in the early days of my dishing out my bratwurst of love for cash, booze was indeed copiously taken by myself. Merely a confidence boost, you understand. A stiff one for a stiff one if you will. But that's an area I will get to later.

After all, I cannot tell you everything now. I barely know you.

Although speaking of AA meetings, I am reminded of my dear friend Jackie (no names, no pack drill - I choose not to tell you his last name as I wish to preserve Mr Thomas' anonymity) who stood up and admitted to his fellow anonymous alcoholics during the group introductory meeting that he was a rampant homosexual.

It appeared the poor fool had misunderstood what the Counsellor meant by "telling us all his secrets" - Either that, or poor Jackie was too pissed to listen.

But back to me and my blog. I hope you will use it to discover hitherto unknown information regarding the mysteries of being a lothario and a hitherto unsuccessful screenwriter. For should you dip a quizzical phallus into the vast vagina of knowledge, I can provide you with the pounding orgasm of information you need.

I might also talk about scriptwriting and my thoughts on the trouble in Zimbabwe, but knowing people, they just want to hear about a stranger's sexual mishaps.

As my friend Jackie once said, "if you think sex is a pain in the arse, you are doing it wrong."

Geoff's Blog: Keeping it up on a regular basis

Geoff Prickett (It's pronounced Prickett)
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