£100 For A Kiss

Yes, it's true. You read it right. A ton for a kiss.

The title of today's entry is exactly the price I was charging for a session of lip locking. I was young and foolish, it was my initial foray into sexing ladies for cash, and consequently I was pricing myself out of the market.

Nobody told me about how much to charge the clients. It's not as if there are Government guidelines. I undertook an ill-advised period of research where I approached several young women in the King's Cross area of London and enquired after their prices, (98 times out of 100 I selected women who weren't actually prostitutes and took great offence to my questions - Over the course of that two week research period, I spent a total of 3 days in hospital and 2 nights in police custody.

I'm reminded of the story of Lily of Lampeter who, it was rumoured, was Wales' oldest prostitute back in the 1930s. Of course, Lily's pricing was in old money, but she used to gobble off the miners well into her 90s, bless her, and added an extra threepence to the bill if they asked her to put in her teeth while she did it.

Still, my problem remained. I was flying blind - what to charge? How much for how much? And for how long? And when was the moment that the transaction becomes final? When I received payment or when the client received the goods? When I've made the coffee? I simply took a wild stab in the dark and costed my services thus:

A Kiss on the Lips £100. 15 minutes sex without foreplay £799 (£799 looks better than £800). Coffee £3.99

P, a fellow male gigolo was charging his ladies a lot less, but providing a hell of a lot more, and consequently enjoying success aplenty. After one less than profitable night, (I made £2.50 and a 62 year old woman come)

P sidled up to me in The Butterfly Lounge as I was nursing a cuba libre and pushed under my nose the secret of his success - and it was laminated.

It was his price list.

I stared at it with awe. He gave me advice regarding the amount I was charging and the time before I was discharging. He told me that I needed to engage in full sex for much longer than I was managing.

Being brought up by my parents to believe that life is a competition, I thought ejaculating before the stopwatch hit 60 seconds was simply a proud testament to my speed.

P added that this was not value for money and equated the notion to purchasing a cucumber from Tescos, then getting home only to discover that it had turned rotten.

P's actual price list - as written, I've added nothing - was listed as follows:

Soapy Tit Wank £5.00

Breastal nuzzling £4.00

Basic Vaginal Exploration £9.25

Full Sex £12.00

Full Sex and Full English Breakfast (The latter provided by Client) £9.00

(Reproduced with kind permission)

I was impressed!

Immediately, I focused on making myself last longer before coming. As any man will testify, yanking on the ball sack or flicking the helmet is a sure fire method of delaying the result.

That, and picturing Lionel Richie. Just thinking about him delays my eruptions.

So after a self-designed course of excessively masturbating to The Commodore's Greatest Hits (Please - no jokes about "Easy" or "Slippery When Wet") I adjusted my prices to fit the activities, drew up a price list and went out and made copies.

I got some funny looks from the guys in Prontoprint that afternoon, I can tell you!

Geoff's Blog: Keeping it up on a Lionel Richie basis

Sexual Geoff Prickett (It's pronounced Prickett!)
From Wales With Love
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